Mongo’s Musings

A Winning Presidential Speech July 2, 2008

Happy Birthday USA, and to celebrate I’m giving everyone a George Carlin-like rant from the President!  Well, not exactly – the following is an e-mail I received, prefaced by “I sure would like to know who wrote this and why he/she isn’t running for President!”  Yes, it’s clearly isolationist, but very funny in a scary-reality sort of way.  OK, I’m not saying that I fully agree with everything in this “speech” but admittedly it probably hits very close to home for the majority of Americans tired of all the B.S.

My Fellow Americans . . . as you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.  This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq.  This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short:  The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia  and Poland are some of the few countries listed there.  The other list contains every one not on the first list.  Note that most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on list #2 ceases immediately and indefinitely.  The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.  Then, every year thereafter that money will be applied to our social security system to keep it from going broke twenty years from now.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.  Need help with a famine or natural catastrophe? Wrestling with an epidemic?  Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.  On that note, a word to terrorist organizations: screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate not only you but all of your friends from the face of the earth.  Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany , and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades.  We are retiring from NATO as well.  Bonne chance, mes amies.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than three unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed.  I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.  By the way, I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors: Canada is on list #2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.  Mexico is also on list #2.  Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment.  With the withdrawal from Iraq I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put ’em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway.  Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska, which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come.  If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to list #2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism I answer them by saying, ‘darn tootin.’  Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America.  It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.  It is time for us to take care of OUR #1 concern, OUR home . . . America.

To the nations on list #1, a final thought:  Thank you. We owe you and promise we won’t forget.

To the nations on list #2, a final thought:  You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America …thank you and good night.

Oh, and one more thing – if you can read this, thank a teacher.  If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.