What not to be thankful for on Thanksgiving

I am borrowing this Thanksgiving “wish list” (if that’s what you call it) from a Chicago Tribune article by Rick Morrissey; it’s from the Sports section and weighs a bit heavier on the Chicago teams.  Enjoy, and have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/chi-26-morrisseynov26,0,4301357.column

What not to be thankful for on Thanksgiving

Rick Morrissey / In the wake of the news
November 26, 2008

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and all through the house … oh, wait. Wrong holiday.

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and I would like to take this opportunity to say I’m thankful for sunrises, barefoot strolls on the beach … oh, wait. Wrong columnist.

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and there are things I’m not thankful for, including the stupid rule about not ending a sentence with a preposition. There. Right holiday, right grumpy columnist.

I know this approach is going to come across as really, really ungrateful, seeing as how this is the time of year when we reflect on all the good things in our lives. But I would like to point out that I didn’t ask for, say, the Detroit Lions. They were thrust upon me.

I suppose I could be more positive and say I’m thankful for the New York Giants’ excellence, but the truth is that I’m more not thankful for the Lions’ wretchedness.

I’m willing to acknowledge that this could be considered a character flaw.

What I’m not thankful for:

• Any combination of the Cubs, the month of October and a priest sprinkling holy water.

• The idea that someday, Joe Paterno’s glasses will be back in style. And that I might be wearing them.

• Middle-age men donning Devin Hester jerseys for Bears games. To borrow from WBBM radio announcer Jeff Joniak, you … look … ridiculous.

• Hester at wide receiver.

• The New York attitude that, of course, LeBron James will want to come to the Big Apple to play for the Knicks when he becomes a free agent in 2010. Because who in his right mind wouldn’t?

• The evolution of human speech, and, thus, Stephen A. Smith and Jim Rome.

• The daily John Daly crisis.

• Man hugs.

• The people at Notre Dame who thought a 10-year contract extension for Charlie Weis was a good idea.

• The people who think another year of Weis is a good idea.

• NFL referees who turn on their microphones and say, “There was no foul on the play.” Really? Because I could have sworn I saw three yellow flags on the ground a second ago.

• The thought of Michael Vick coming back to the NFL and lining up in the “Wildcat” formation. Wouldn’t that launch a protest or two from feline-rights groups?

• Kosuke Fukudome’s swing.

• Joakim Noah’s shooting form.

• When basketball announcers gush about a player’s ability to “score the ball.” What else is he going to score except the ball? A gym shoe? Some weed for after the game? The theme song for the next Bond movie?

• Soccer fans who insist on calling the sport football. No. Just no.

• A Buick spokesman saying the company was ending its relationship with Tiger Woods to save money and to allow the superstar to spend more time with his family. Wow, a corporation with a heart.

• Mark Cuban’s stock-market tips.

• Alfonso Soriano in the leadoff spot.

• The fact Marion Jones’ autobiography still can be found in the nonfiction section of your local library. In it, using oversized, red, capital letters, she wrote that she never had used performance-enhancing drugs.

• How Marc Colombo discovered the key to staying healthy in Dallas, not Chicago.

• Pacman Jones’ insistence on remaining in our lives.

• “Dancing with the Stars.”

• ” American Idol,” while we’re at it.

• Sideline reporters.

• Red-light cameras at intersections. I can’t tell you how not thankful I am for those.

• Any kicker who makes an extra point and pats his offensive linemen on the helmet for a job well done. It’s like watching a batboy with 5 o’clock shadow high-fiving ballplayers.

• Punters who kick the ball into the end zone rather than into the red zone.

• Ah, the heck with it: Kickers as a whole.

• Media types who don’t really ask questions. These are the people who hold a tape recorder or a microphone in front of athletes and say something like, “Tough loss out there today. You really couldn’t move the ball.”

• Athletes who fail to respond, “Is there a question you’d like to ask?”

• Nick Swisher’s act.

• Kerry Wood’s departure.

• The whole Alex Rodriguez- Madonna thing.

• NBC. Michael Phelps could be handing out Christmas presents to disadvantaged youth, and I’d reflexively look for a TV shot showing his mom’s reaction in the stands.

• Athletes who use the same letter of the alphabet to name their children—i.e., Kyle, Kayla, Kris and Korky. Not sure why either.

• My tendency to give of myself until it hurts. Isn’t that right, Babs, Billy and Brutus?